Nov 27, 2007

This is my first attempt to write tanka so, please, don't be to harsh on me with comments :)

noisy jay
casually rummages
in ageing leaves
black and white photos
remind me to call mom

triukšmingas kėkštas
nerūpestingai kuičias
senstančiuos lapuos
juodai baltos nuotraukos
reikia paskambint mamai

Tai pirmas mano bandymas parašyti tanka, todėl prašau nebūkit per žiaurūs su komentarais :)


qualcosa di bello said...

i think this is beautiful, but that is just the sensory perception, not a critique of your technique. i'll leave that to the experts!

& i am late to your haiku gave, but hope to participate if you do it again!

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

good job! :)

Tikkis said...

Lithunian version is 5-7-5-7-7 ?

But this is, yes, a waka (tanka):
first three lines, followed by two more lines, apparently from a different story, but here in one heap of lines! And the reader rummages the words and because of a jay, it's obvious that you must go and visit your mamai!

Clear :-?

floots said...

love this train of thought
thank you

Ričardas said...

qualcosa di bello: your sensory perception is just fine for me, thanks for commenting and you are surely in the game, it's never too late
Andrew: thanks, your opinion is really valued here
Tikkis: you are so right, and yes, in Lithuanian we do not have difficulties to fit in 5-7-5-7-7, but it could be difficult in English
floots: welcome on the train, I'm glad you like it

Tikkis said...

In Finnish it's also easier to get 5-7-5 or waka's 5-7-5-7-7,
but now I think it is not so "important". I am making those, if the "language" sounds good enough, but I am allowing also in my short poems different syllables...

We made a translation from Ogura Hyakunin Isshu into Finnish, and it is, yes, 5-7-5-7-7. I have also my own version of that collection in my own pages, but that language is something speaking here in Turku-area. Not an 'official' Finnish, you know.
and the first poem in etc
On Thursday I'm visiting Pori, they got brand new organs, and today Kalevi Kiviniemi gives an organ recital or concert! It's a MUST!

polona said...

well, i think you have done a wonderful job :)

Ričardas said...

Thanks Polona, for your nice words

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